As listeners to Charm the Water podcast will know, I have never had nice things to say about institutional forms. I've always sneered at authority and shunned responsibility. This is for the reason that I can find no legitimate authority.
After the death of my father, immediately followed by my then-wife's cheating on me and leaving me in the most cruelest of manner I could have imagined (which robbed me of ever even grieving for my father and still is something that is raw and monstrous just below the surface), I took a headlong jump into ceremonial magic. This would within two years bring me face to face with what my mentor called Chaos and Babalon. I had only the vaguest of notions what the fuck he was talking about. But I knew my experience was the most authoritative thing that I have ever experienced.
And so, I arrive at this point. If I were to think very deeply about how to relate to you what "this point" is like, I would describe a young shepherd who has come upon a cave entrance. He abandons his flock, being enticed to the exploration of the cave for the reason that what lay within is unknown. What lay without is known. The very appearance of what is unknown has altered his way of consciously perceiving. There is no choice. All that is mundane is even the more colorless before the darkness. He steps through into the darkness. A King is born unto you.
Magic is about lifting the veil and beholding the Principalities and Powers. It's about experiencing the very forces behind the functions of the Universe. No magician may boldly go forth into that greater reality. It is by degree his eyes are made to see and his ears are made to hear. I realize my dreams are initiating me into this greater reality. As my consciousness evolves, so too does the world before me, for I manifest it, unconsciously, and gradually more consciously.
For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more. -Luke 12:48, KJV
Magic as well is about taking what is given and owning the responsibility. My life has taken many unexpected turns since I first stepped within the circle and asked for initiation. I realize the vital importance of leaning into those turns. Disaster can result from not doing so. The understanding I have come to is that those forces effect on reality may to the studious be observed time and time again. Yet, I cannot understand them too well. It is solely through dream and synchronicity that I am in contact with them and my capacity for understanding their symbolic language is at the most basic of level, and that from learning retrospectively. This simply will not do. And so this is one of the reasons I will turn and eat my words on what I have said about magical institution.
The truth is that there are those who came before us that built on those that came before them, and so on, back into time immemorial. It is true that each one, each "I", each ego, vastly limits and so distorts that for which they are channel. Such limitations are as well individual expressions, unique and beautiful and also lies. No curse is not as well blessed. Regardless, I cannot go on in my own. Not yet. I must sit a while at the feet of those Masters who came before. I must hear what they have to say; what wisdom they eagerly await to impart to those who would humble themselves to it. I must learn how to better see and better hear; I must learn how to withstand and direct these forces. It is a difficult thing enough as is, without kicking against the goads.
Again, I see my dramatic change in attitude and perception a direct result of my initiation into Mars. I submit myself unto the discipline offered by those fiery Seraphim of God. Make no mistake that I do so in that I may truly walk in my own, which is neither mine, nor in possession. To be a wizard is to be living and conscious expression.
If things continue in that way in which they are, I shortly will be a Probationer in the A∴A∴ I needed to ponder this choice deeply and so today I set out to climb to the top of the mountain behind our farm house.
This is at the foot of the mountain, looking back towards the 3rd barn down from the house.
An exquisite color.