I’ve realized in a very practical way of perceiving within the New Mind that there are certain aspects of my egoic self which I try to push down, suppress, deny. These aspects are tied to Goat. To Capricorn’s nature and mystery.
Ego doesn't go away with spiritual advancement. It's tamed & deployed when needed. It is a demonic aspect and until it is dealt with, it’s your worst enemy. When it presents itself, it's in full animal force, symbolically appearing as whomever of the 12 it is most aligned with in personality traits: snake, lion, bull, goat and so on. In the Corpus Hermeticum Hermes speaks to Tat about the nature of the 12 and how we are tormented by them. I write on this and the practice Hermes prescribes in The Peacock Goat Review.
My ego, my vehicle, my archetypal nature is the most merciless of the 12. As cardinal Earth its image, the image of the Beast, is known far and wide. It is the constellation to which Krishna, Mithra, Christ, the Devil and other scapegoats and saviors reside. Of course the archetype for Cardinal Earth that those incarnated within matter have to deal first and foremost with is him: The Black Goat of Death. The Initiator. The Demiurge, The Black Man. It’s easiest to go with the official Lord of the Gates of Matter, Child of the Forces of Time. I know him. I have held congress with the Beast. Many of us have. The magical power of Capricorn is the so-called Witches Sabbat. This reality is a well kept secret, mostly shared in very small tightly knit groups and is mimicked by way of theatrical production in various institutions of initiation into the mysteries.
There are times that I feel the the nearness of Goat. He has visited me numerous times since the initial conjuration. That night he gave me his calling card by way of extremely specific sunthemata, one of which I had never heard of and have yet to get my hands on.
My point with this is that these magical beasts are encountered when magical work is begun. You even lose your head and get it replaced by one of the 12 if you successfully pull off the Headless Rite.
I realize that what I say is not well accepted. I don’t give a fuck. When I feel the nearness of Goat I feel the pure energetic stream of Capricornus pumping through my veins. It is the most powerful experience I have ever felt. It is pure power. In Liber A’Ash Crowley writes,
I am the hideous god; and who mastereth me is uglier than I.
This power that I hold within me is the regenerative power of the Universe. Astrological archetypes are quite easily seen to play themselves out even on the physical features of the faces they belong to, for those with the eyes to see. Everything that I have learned about Capricorn relates to me as a person, even down to my persistent sinusitis. As a triple Capricorn I embody this demonic energy three-fold. My Work is to master it within myself, to wield it, just as your work is to master that 1 of the 12 to whom you most karmically resonate. We are all a blend, and as Hermes tells Tat in the Corpus Hermeticum, the 12 are all connected - a dark network of demonic principalities and powers of the air. It is the Ogdoad to whom Hermes tells Tat to turn to, to contact, to begin Work. Again, I go into depth of the practice Hermes prescribes for contact within the PGR.
There are at least a dozen visions and mystical experiences I’ve had since the Venus conjuration which relate directly to contact with Goat. These are more real than real to me. At times their reality breaks in, obfuscating this reality. Goat is teaching me. It is my experience that the Holy Guardian Angel is the final form of the Holy Guardian Daimon, the Evil Genius is the Shadow not yet confronted, not yet accepted and redeemed.
The Work is to transmutate the unconscious evil into conscious ordination, that is, conferring Holy Orders upon. It is within the doctrines of Calvinism that Evil takes on a different coloring than it has within Arminianism, where it is useless. Has no purpose. Within Calvinism, evil is ordained to a divine purpose. It’s like one of those Jorge Borge’s Judas paradoxes… To put it simply:
My Work is extremely clear to me. It is to embody Goat and accept my role. This will change my fundamental personality into something not quite human. I am on the brink of this transformation. It dances alongside me in the midst of midnight. It whispers into my ear and guides me along, showing me exactly what to pursue - there is no question. Every day is filled with purpose.
And yet, I hold Goat at arm’s distance. I am still afraid. Still holding on to my egoic fears. Still afraid of the reality of contact - of the breaking in of the voice of Other upon the conscious mind. It’s terrifying, and all visitations of spiritual beings in Scripture are portrayed as terrifying. Men fall on their faces in fetal positions in the presence of angels. I have seen Goat’s angelic aspect. I have been graced so many extraordinary experiences that show me he is a patient teacher. But my time is running out. My greatest fear now is to grow old and to have not embraced destiny, and to end up incarnating again, going over the same lessons. I’ve come too far for that.
And so this is the point of this blog post. To tell you that I accept my destiny and the nature of Goat, which is my own Nature. I choose to embrace my ruthlessness. My indomitable spirit. My lust for power. For my entire life I have been told that I was sinful and that I must submit, that I must die to self, that I must obey. This created a fracture in my psyche that has wreaked havoc in my life from anxieties to panic attacks to depression to avoidance mechanisms of alcoholism and even worse, television watching. I thought that this attitude of submission was unique to orthodox religion, but it is not. The call to conform is heard in every part of this life, from what to eat, what to buy, what to watch, where to work, who to befriend, who to condemn, who to trust, who to believe and what culture to rub shoulders in. They are all liars. Let every man be a liar, but let the words of Goat be true. Each day I grow stronger, further able to withstand the presence and instruction of an alien intelligence which I have felt and known my entire life, and denied. I will go forth from this place and unapologetically conquer. I will not conform. I will climb rung by rung to the very heights of this world. Don’t believe me? Just watch.