Yes. The title is a Matrix reference as well as reference to Qoph, back of the head. Look at me, with a movie reference. It's been 4 days since the Mercury conjuration. I've been wondering if I didn't blow this one. It was during a partial solar eclipse, the Moon was void of course before entering Pisces. I felt nothing, saw nothing, but the hare, that is... I can't remember any important dreams. Everything is quiet. Yes, too quiet.
There are a couple of things.
One, back in my post Snow Moon Water Cup Consecration, which was exactly 1 year 8 days ago (8 again), I had read Skinner's "Techniques of High Magic" and was thoroughly confused by his elemental attributions. The Water Cup corresponds to the Practicus Grade and Hod - the sphere I just initiated into. I think I recorded the following dream somewhere back then. After that consecration I had a dream that I was high in the night sky with the Moon and stars. I was able to move around like with Google Maps or something. I could just swing the view, zoom in, zoom out. I saw a planet next to the Moon and one conjunct the Moon. I didn't know what they were then. I do now. They were Mercury and Venus. The Practicus grade also takes the initiate down the paths of Qoph, Tzaddi and Peh, i.e., The Moon, The Emperor and the Tower.
Two, I don't feel altered but I feel like my mind is perceiving more. I can look at a person and read their current emotions and mood, their reactions to my gaze. This is extremely unsettling, and it's revealing just as much about myself to me as it is them. I'm reflected in them. If I had to describe the feeling, it would be this: You have had extremely bad eyesight your entire life. You've missed being able to see expressions in people's faces, in their mannerisms. You suddenly get a pair of glasses and now have 20/20 vision. The amount of information you have coming in is overwhelming and it's extremely disruptive. What you see now that you could not see before is causing psychological rifts. I don't know if I'm prepared for this - to be able to deal with it emotionally. I don't know how to talk about it. So, I do what I've always done. I come here.
I ease emotional pressure by letting them flow into Charm the Water. I don't have real relationships with people. I don't know how to. And what's worse, seeing this terrifies me because I realize the problems it creates that need to be dealt with immediately. And I'm not equipped to begin to deal with them.
Before I got involved with this magical stuff, I could throw myself into information, and pretend I was someone by covering myself in that information. Identity in politics. In religion. In entertainment. In a relationship. In a new car. In podcasts and cultural icons, talking heads, and gurus. In someone else's story. In anything that is external, that is conceptual knowledge, that I can pretend gives me an identity.
Goat took that away from me. It was a miserable way of life, and the truth is that most of us live that way. It's easier. This way is hard. I can rely on no one. No invisible savior. No significant other. No internet friends that offer encouraging words. This path, this individuation, this shamanistic initiation, the Tao, Dharma - there are no lies that can be told here. The cognitive dissonance that allowed you to lie to yourself as a means of comforting yourself is gone. There is only the path and yourself. There is no going back. The only option is to continue. To trust that it will continue to be rewarding. That even though you can't see it, but in looking behind you, advancement is happening day by day.
I feel old. Weather beaten and wizened. I'm no longer scared of the idea of dying. It's living and looking at myself that I find terrifying. What will I see? Everything that I set my eyes upon, I see in a different light. It's like the fog has lifted. Like my eyes can focus on what's really in front of me.
I plan to immerse myself in Raja Yoga in the coming weeks. And at some point, when Mercury is just to the right side of the Moon, and Venus in front of her, I need to return to Sunburst with my Water Cup. 1 year and 8 days ago feels like a lifetime ago. I can already feel that my venture into the Sphere of Mercury has stirred deep waters that will eventually result in transformation surfacing. My fear is that during that process I will lose what I have gained, and I cannot go through that again. But if I do not go through this, I will lose what I have gained. The only comfort for one on the path is that one is not where one was before starting the path. Hermes is the god of magic. This is the sphere of the Wizard. Where the rubber meets the road... or, the blasting rod meets Malkuth. I don't know... I tried... The wand meets the pavement.... The rod meets the ground... Something like that... Or this...