Last Friday night I carried out another conjuration of Venus. My intent was to ask the spirits of Venus to consecrate 2 Adam and Eve root mojo bags. As I geared up placing my Table of Practice, Wand, Seer Stone, Lamen, Incense and other ritual tools in a backpack, a strong sense of dis-ease arose in me. This happens every time before the conjuring of spirits. I feel like it’s something I have no business in. Who am I? What if I get myself in something I’m not at all prepared for?
I pushed these thoughts aside and went out the back door into the darkness. I was headed up the mountain.
Adrenalin carried me to the ritual spot fairly speedily. I caught my breath and set up the table and lit the incense. The sense of dread exponentially increases when alone atop a wooded mountain in the darkness. Especially when I think of devil monkeys. What it was Kelly and I saw last summer I do not know - only do I know there are things in these woods that remain unknown.
As I stand in the Circle of Art with Wand a change comes over me. I no longer feel terror, but empowerment. My voice is strong and commanding. I feel that I have carried out this work over lifetimes. A warmness comes over my body and a sense of Euphoria. My senses are heightened. I hear something large take a single step in the woods directly behind me, only feet away. I think of how I am calling upon the Sphere in which I had the most intense experience of my life. I am momentarily fearful of Goat haunting me again, of flies in the house, and such worrisome poltergeist effects. And then I think what the consequences were of those ordeals of Venus, and I verbally express my thankfulness. The amount of growth I perceive within myself as of that experience in July 2016 is to me the difference between a boy and a man. As terrifying as it was, the experiences have forged me into someone much stronger and much wiser.
I finish the ritual, ask for the mojos to be consecrated, for my personal Venus talisman to be reconsecrated, and I give the license to depart. I feel somehow more complete and more satisfied within myself than before. All fear is gone.
I trek back down the mountain in the darkness. Kelly and I talk a bit and we go to bed. I think of how though I had not planned this in depth - for the second time calling on Venus for talisman consecrations - I would no doubt feel the effect within my own Sphere. I thought too how this would be a good balance with my work in Hod. Hod and Netzach work together as the left and right feet, to achieve locomotion.
That night I had a dream of my ex wife. I remember her coming up to the front of a nursing home. The details are very foggy, but she was murdering elderly women. I was absolutely apalled, but did nothing. I was smoking a joint, rather aggressively. I noticed a car parked on the street. In it was the guy my wife left me for. I suddenly had a rifle. I sighted him and saw that she was also in the car. As always in my dreams, I had difficulty pulling the trigger. I finally managed it and watched as his head fell into pieces. There was satisfaction, but moreso relief at stopping them from murdering anyone else. The thing is I cannot remember if I shot her.
I am still having trouble with dream recall and am still of the opinion it is a side effect of the Sphere of Hod.
Last night I dreamt of my cousin’s wife and another murderer. A man on a motorcycle who had an Uzi. I was with a group of people on an interstate. I think my mom was there. I was trying to shoot the motorcyclist as he came speeding towards us. This played out multiple times. I believe I eventually killed him and the scene ended up in my cousin’s church. I felt as if I had stopped the murder of many people, but I also was weary of being in the company of my cousin and his wife. I was worried about my mother.
Goat is ever-present in my mind as are the lessons. I cannot grasp them and yet they unfold ever more. I feel something deep within me stirring. It is that which all of us fear. The Voice in the Darkness.
And there is me. Weak. Impotent. Incomplete. Fractured. Lost.
The voice knows me. The voice is the only one who knows me.
Wretched and blind in this world as I am, I know that the Unconscious must be made Conscious, within myself. The Black Dragon is the Questing Beast. The Quest is not what it seems. It is a Quest of Becoming and of Dissolution. What is there more terrifying? What else is worth while?
This ache of knowing and of longing is unbearable, and yet as a bitter sweet memory that floods perception with new understanding.
With integration of the Darkness into myself, part of myself is transmuted into something anew, as well as ancient. A quickening, a non-verbal knowing of how-it-is and what-was. We fear the unknown, yet we must come to know it.