Good morning! It’s Kelly and I need to wrap my head around some things from this past week. I would appreciate any feedback as I’m a bit boggled.
Where to start…
Last week I ended up hospitalized for something that was clearly a problem, but was not a problem. Meaning: the hospital could not diagnose my sudden onset of fluid-filled lungs, inability to breathe and chest pressure x2 nights. Either way, it was an extremely expensive lesson about not going to the ER when you don’t have insurance.
Ironically, the day before these events, I was in an out of character depression where I internally wanted to die and planned my escape route. This lasted for 2 days. The night immediately following involved a trip to the ER where I faced my mortality...again and realized I did not want to die. I’m still trying to understand why I was feeling so depressed in the first place. Aaron thinks me calling out to Zazel had something to do with it. I didn’t think that was the case, but now I’m not sure.
The week following the hospital was tense. Aaron and I bickered, more than usual and about everything imaginable. Tension was building, work was stressful and life was just happening. It all came to a head on Sunday where both of our emotions were at peak elevation. Aaron got drunk with the hope of us hashing it out and I got angrier, sadder, then angrier again, then sad again. We didn’t really hash anything out, stayed in our separate corners, but mutually bonded and have since taken another step closer to each other without even speaking.
One note about Aaron and I: we can have intense arguments, but both of us know, without a doubt, that neither one is going anywhere. He says, “This isn’t working” and I say, “Yea, I’m leaving”...as we both sit in the same room, miserable, waiting for the air to clear. Our connection is just that-a connection. I knew the moment I laid eyes on him that he was my One. Sounds cliche, but I am proof that we are where we are for a reason.
Back to Sunday-in the aftermath of Hurricane Aarelly (lol), I laid down to settle myself. Aaron disappeared to the office and we just stayed apart to think. I fell asleep and awoke to what I thought was Aaron in the bedroom. I was ready to pounce on him for attempting to talk, but then realized he was not there, but he was. He was there, but not as himself. Standing at the end of the bed was a man of Aaron’s size, but taller. He was wearing a wife-beater and black pants. His arms were at his sides and he was standing still. His head was not human, but that of an animal. He had extremely large horns, but no face, at first. I saw stars set in blackness where the face would be. As I turned to put my head down and sleep again, I pictured his face turning into that of an animal, with eyes and a snout. Please don’t ask which animal as I am terrible with descriptions, but I will google a picture of the animal is resembled. I was not afraid, but curious why I was seeing this. I fell back asleep and didn’t think of it again.
This is the closest comparison I can find to the head, but the horns seemed a bit larger, longer and taller pointing toward the ceiling. If I had it on my head I would feel top heavy. And the face of the animal was pretty close to this as well.
Later that night, Aaron and I were in the living room, still not talking, but just in the same room. He started playing the guitar and put his crow-winged hat on. As I looked at him, I realized that he was wearing black pants, a wife beater t-shirt and with the hat on looked like he had horns. I felt chills immediately and then giggled to myself that Aaron may officially be “The Goat”. In his state of mind I was not going to poke the bear with telling him about my vision. I instead waited until last night when all was calm on the way home from work.
The time in between Sunday and now has been good. Like I said, the bond is stronger and Aaron has made some revelations of his own that he may discuss at some point. That then brings me to last night’s events. We carried out our nightly routine, laid intertwined in bed, playing on our phones. When we said our good nights, I began feeling extremely nervous. I couldn’t stay still and felt my insides shaking uncontrollably. I felt fear of waking Aaron, which was very strange. I don’t fear waking him ever. I mean I don’t want to wake him and feel bad when I do, but never fear his response. My foot neuropathy was a bit jumpy and I continued to shake. The room was dark, but I could see both doors to the bedroom. They both began to move closer then farther away, as if they were breathing. I tried to adjust my eyes, but no change. I then felt a presence in the room come in the one door (off the living room) and stand at the end of the bed. I saw blackness in its place, but no definite shape. I don’t recall feeling fear, but a sense of discomfort. I fell back asleep and awoke to a horrible cramp on the top of my right foot. It was the worst cramp I have ever had and I could not move. I could not get up, but only scream and cry. Aaron attempted to rub my foot, but nothing would bring relief. I get these cramps occasionally, but know how to soothe them. This would not go away and lasted what felt like an eternity. I finally got up and was able to walk it off. I took my phone off of the charger since it was at full charge and used the phone for light to walk. I then put the phone on my nightstand, left it off of the charger and went to sleep.
Shortly after laying back down, Aaron rolled over to tell me that he had an extremely violent dream about someone shooting people randomly in the village where my work is. He didn’t give much detail, but said he was freaked a bit from the severity of the violence. He said it reminded him of Mars. I chuckled because when we got home last night I was mesmerized with the size and color of Mars last night. It was the biggest and brightest I’ve ever seen. I have always had a love for the stars and planets, but feel an even closer connection since Aaron has initiated into the various spheres. I then told Aaron briefly about the presence in the room and we both rolled over to sleep again.
I awoke this morning to the phone ringing. I picked up my phone to check the time and it was dead. My phone, when not in use can hold a charge for a long time. I didn’t find it unusual that the power was drained since there was clearly something in our room last night. Sounds cliche, but I have noticed when there is an intense spirit around the electronics go nuts. It was that dead phone that inspired me to blog to you today.
So what do you think? Is there some kind of oppression here brought on by me calling out to Zazel to help me reference a dream? Or am I possibly going crazy mentally and physically? Could it be stress that is over taking my normal routine? I cannot answer any of these questions, but thought I would throw it out there for you all to read and advise. :)
Thanks for taking the time and enjoy your day!